A reminder to myself

I wrote the below blog post a while ago. I’ve not had chance to post it, with everything going on at the MOMENT. But today I took a second to read it, and decided to post it as a reminder to myself.

That whilst everything seems dark and unbearable, there have been bright days. I have moved forward, even if its only a fraction of a step…

3rd March 2018

GETTING BACK ON TRACK

For a long time, a few years really I’ve felt as if I was on the wrong course. And not just a little bit off, but 360 degrees turns and a few somersaults to add too.

It’s left me analysing my life, questioning how I could have been so blind. So God damned bloody stupid.

When you learn you’ve been living a lie. That the life you had, was one conjured up in your head, you’re left reeling, desperately clinging to some sense of reality.

For me it’s been my children and my books, and the knowledge that while it might have been an act for him. My feelings, the life I had been living was true.

But I’m not going to lie, I hated myself for a long time. I still do on occasion, when I seem to tumble back into the role he molded for me. Like Alice; I seem compelled to jump head first down the rabbit hole, turning head over heel, heart in my throat and all sense of self gone.

I’ve had to relearn myself. Sift through the debris he left behind to find the bits and pieces of myself that had always been there. That were all me, and not his creation.

So as I sit here, at my first author signing since he left. My first step back to where I was heading before fate derailed me. I feel lighter, surer of who I am and where I want to go.

There are no strings on me. Today he isn’t whispering in my ear like the devil on my shoulder.

Today I am free.

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