Fear

Fear is something I live with almost daily now.  Fear I’m not enough, fear I’m going to fail, fear of being homeless, of not being able to provide for my children.

When my husband left, I felt heartbreak first, then came bone chilling fear. At first it was a niggling emotion at the back of my mind. He’d left me but not our children, they’d still have two parents, he’d still support them financially. Yes it wasn’t the same but I wasn’t alone in the job of raising our children.

Yet as time went on the realisation grew. Terror lived in the pit of my stomach, a dark swirling entity that I was struggling to ignore. Money was becoming less frequent and his excuses old. I was the one dealing with the emotional fallout of him leaving. I dealt with everything. And the pressure was taking its toll.

In the 14 years we’d been together, I had always imagined him being there to support us. I feel stupid now for being so naive, for putting my future in the hands of someone else.

So here I am at the start of a new year with last years events still haunting me. I still live with that monster, but I have learnt to control it… Mostly.

Fear still rears it’s ugly head.  My breath catches when I look forward too far, my heart stalls when my children cry tears of uncertainty, and I still feel like I’m failing at single parenthood.

Yet I somehow keep going. Fear will not cripple me. I will put on a brave face and promise my children everything will be okay. I might not know how, but it has to be. There is no other option, there are 4 children relying on me.

So until I get it right, until I find a way through this mess. I’ll keep fear at bay, I’ll wear my smile like a shield, and hopefully, one day, my smile will be real.

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